Commuter Conundrum

Agony Aunt

Dear Motley, as a commuting student, I do not have the same opportunities as my peers socially. AKA, I cannot get laid with my parents around. It’s been almost two years in college and I have only had sex once. HELP — a very horny 2nd year

Dear reader,

That sounds extremely frustrating. If you live at home with your parents it can be very awkward to breach the topic of sexual intercourse. We would suggest having a conversation about boundaries and how you are a grown up, but realistically if you are writing to us then you have either already tried that OR you are never having that “talk” with your parents. Either way not to worry, for we have compiled a list of the best places to dance the devil's tango on campus (take part at your own risk).

1. The Hub Bathrooms: Clean, spacious, and gender neutral……what more could you possibly ask for? Although we do ask that you keep the noise to a minimum as to not distract anyone working. As long as you get creative with the positions, you’ll be grand.

2. The Boole Bathrooms: we don't need to elaborate on this one, it’s a rite of passage for many, and a classic for a reason. Just make sure to get busy either while lectures are on or after, don't cause a queue for any other students.

3. Student accommodation; Now as a commuter it's obviously a difficult predicament to be in, long hours, parents around etc. However, may we present the option of…getting with another student who lives in accommodation. Set those dating apps to within a few km radius, swipe away in the Boole, and who knows your match might just live in student accommodation! Dating a student who lives near college is the ultimate life hack for commuter students, you can get laid between classes, stay over and beat waking up at 6am for a 9am lecture. You don't have to stand around waiting for the bus for hours, and if you are lucky they'll let you crash there on nights out! For those whose hearts have been broken, do not fear, for the option of friends with benefits is always there. Although please make sure both parties are consenting in this and no one is being led on. 

4. A quiet car park: now we at Motley aren't exactly sure of the legality of this so exercise with caution, but if you or the other participating person can drive and own a car…just get cosy in there. Penetrating partner wears trousers with a zip and the receiving partner wears a skirt or a dress, and as long as you stay covered does it really count as public indecency?(we don't know, can a law student tell us please and thank you?) Now, is it romantic? Not in the slightest. But you're a commuter, if you live at home with non-chill parents you're lucky to not be the 40 year old virgin pt 2 and with the way the housing market is going that's looking more and more likely.

5. Western Gateway Bathrooms: this is an honourable mention for STEM students, because you guys deserve to get laid too! WGB seems to be a ghost town past five o'clock…would anyone really see you sneaking into bathrooms or a classroom? 

One final honourable mention, for those who cannot get laid is, you guessed it, the Q2 nap pods. The nap pods have a rich, and sticky history of students utilising the nap pods to de-stress and self pleasure since 2021. This arguably horrifying statement came from UCC Confessions (RIP), but we can't fault the logic behind it. Although we do seriously question–could ye not have a wank in the bathroom seriously lads?

(The above is work of satire, and names, courses etc are not real. This piece is written for comedic purposes only. Motley Magazine does nott condone public indecency or having sexual 

intercourse on campus. Motley Magazine also strongly recommends the use of contraceptives such as condoms to prevent STI’s and unwanted pregnancy. Always ask for consent before taking part in any sexual activity).