Freedom From Home

By Lia D.

TRIGGER WARNING: This piece touches on themes on sexual assault and predatory behaviour.

Many of us Erasmus exchange students experience the sensation of freedom at some point during our exchange. Whether it’s finally moving out of your parents’ house or landing at a foreign airport for the first time. The way the air smells when walking up those big, green Irish hills that you’re not used to seeing (at least not me, coming from the Netherlands). Maybe you’re learning to let go while drinking Beamish pints and mingling with other international students. Each with their own experiences of newfound freedom. I’ll say with absolute certainty that I felt an immense amount of freedom when landing at Dublin airport, waiting to board my bus to Cork.

My story is about leaving behind an unsettling situation at home. An absolutely awful roommate. We’ll call him Aleksi. I moved into a shared three-bedroom apartment earlier this year. I lived with a lovely girl, whom we’ll call Laura, and him. It seemed that we got along well and would hang out together, watch movies and cook. I was really happy about having them as housemates at the start, but the red flags started to pile up over the course of the following months. 

Aleksi marketed himself as a “really honest” person, who announces their opinion on everything unprompted. I started noticing his remarks on Laura’s actions, i.e “are you really going to eat that chocolate?” and being incapable of making comments on the looks of any woman he laid his eyes on. If you called him out, he would play it off as a joke. There’s an unofficial term for that: ‘Schrodinger’s asshole,’ a person who decides whether or not they’re joking based on reactions to said joke.

Aleksi grew increasingly demanding. He wanted to control as much of the house as he

could, constantly reminding us that he was the first person to move in. It started with monitoring the chores, and escalated to him getting very upset if either of us brought male friends home. However, girls were fine. Funny how that works out. He became increasingly inappropriate: he would make weird comments to ladies around him and touch them without their consent. 

After finishing my last essay assignment for the spring semester, he asked that we speak privately. He wanted to confess something. He proceeded to tell me that a few weeks after I had moved in, he had taken my clean underwear from the laundry pile, and used them to masturbate. He went to his room, came back with his phone, showing a picture of the act. I kept calm physically, but only physically. After, I went to sleep over at a friend’s house. 

I told Laura what had happened. She was disgusted. Turned out Laura also had egregious, unwanted experiences with him. We decided to confront Aleksi about everything together. We had no idea what reaction to expect. When confronted, he replied, “do you think I’m rotten?” He sat down on the grass, pathetically curled up in a ball. He felt sorry for himself. He left the house for a week. When he came back, he carried himself with newfound arrogance, trying to convince us that everything he’d done was actually “not that bad”. I went away for a few weeks to see my family. When I arrived home from my trip, he blocked me from using the bathroom, dropped to his knees and prayed for my forgiveness.

Once he understood that I wasn’t going to forgive him, his behaviour switched within a second. His eyes were filled with rage, and he bursted out screaming a wide range of insults at me. I locked myself into my room, and he stood outside the door screaming. He wouldn’t leave. I told him that I was scared, and he started laughing. 

From that moment on, I was terrified. His aggression continued to escalate. Laura was on vacation, so he and I were alone in the house. Every moment that I spent at home, I hid in my room. I couchsurfed as much as I could, but unfortunately it was late summer, so most of my friends were away on vacation. Eventually I brought a friend to stay with me whenever I had to be home. Whenever we were there, he would just stand and stare at us. It’s really eerie having your 6-foot-something, deranged housemate stand and stare at you silently. After a couple of days of staying at home, he told me and my friend that he can and will get us kicked out. 

Me, Laura, and another girl who had lived with him previously in the same apartment, reported him to both the police and the housing organisation. The police took us seriously, unfortunately not the housing organisation. Their solution was that Laura and I can move out but Aleksi gets to stay? Bullshit. I tirelessly disputed, but it was clear that they were not willing to take action against him. 

After this disappointment of a response from the housing organisation, I was exhausted. I had lived in a progressively abusive and frightening situation for months, which took a massive toll on my well-being, not to mention all the changes I had to make to my lifestyle and routines. The support I received from Laura, my friends, family and colleagues is what got me through all of this. It’s frustrating when those hurting others are allowed to continue their behaviour while those who are hurt have to make adjust their lives and move on. Sometimes, all you can do is share your story in the hope that it might help another carrying a similar torment. 

It must be emphasised that this person is a serial sexual predator. He has a recurring pattern of selecting young women to share the apartment with, only to harass and attempt to assault them once they’ve settled in. I am the fourth girl (that I know of) who’s moved out because of him. The girl who rented my room before me moved out because he threatened to “fuck her up” for not sleeping with him, before punching holes in the wall. She filed a report to both the police and the housing organisation, and was so upset when she left that she stole his cat (which she unfortunately had to return). The housing organisation told her to move out.

I know plenty of other girls who have been victims of his inappropriate actions, comments and requests. For example he has asked  a girl who he’d just met if he could pee in her mouth for money and claiming it was a joke after she said no. These girls haven’t even filed any sort of reports against him. The housing organisation has admitted to their awareness of Aleksi’s recurring dangerous personality. Their lack of action is not only enraging, but incredibly concerning. I only wonder how far he has to go until he faces any consequences.

Luckily, I only had five days left until my flight to Ireland. Those days flew by while packing my belongings, couchsurfing, and finally , I boarding my bus from Dublin to Cork. Smelling the fresh air while walking up a big, green hill. Drinking a Beamish while mingling with other international students. Letting freedom embrace me.

If you or anyone you know has been affected by sexual assault or predatory behaviour, help and council is available at these numbers:

• 087 153 3393, Sexual Violence Centre Cork

• 1800 77 8888, National 24-hour Rape Crisis helpline

• 999, An Garda Síochána